Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
I took a baby shower.
How young can you die of old age?
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
