My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Do you have any toy train schedules?
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
I washed mud off of mud.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
