Steven Wright Quotes - Page 18

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.