I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
I took a baby shower.
How young can you die of old age?
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
I washed mud off of mud.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick
