W. C. Fields Quotes - Page 4

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

You can't cheat an honest man.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I drink therefore I am.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.