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Woody Allen Quotes about Funny - Page 2

All Woody Allen Quotes Age Anxiety Art Atheism Atheist Baseball Basketball Beer Boredom Character Childhood Children Choices College Comedy Concentration Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Desire Divorce Drama Driving Dying Education Enthusiasm Failing Falling In Love Feelings Fighting Film Food Fun Funny quotes Genius Getting Older Giving God Hate Heart Heaven Hell Hilarious Home House Human Nature Humanity Hurt Imagination Immortality Inspiration Inspirational Inspiring Kissing Laughter Liberty Life Logic Love Love And Death Love Life Luck Lying Mankind Marriage Maturity Meaning Of Life Money Morning Pain Past Philosophy Politics Quality Reading Reality Regret Reincarnation Religion Running Sarcasm School Science Sleep Smoking Stupidity Style Success Suffering Sunday Talent Time Today Tragedy Universe Waiting Wall War Water Wife Winning Writing

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Inspirational, Funny, Witty

Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?

Funny, Clever, Smart

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.

Funny, Believe, Afterlife

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Funny, Humor, Night

"The Good Luck Book". Book by Stefan Bechtel, Laurence Roy Stains (p. 371), 1997.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Funny, Hilarious, Humor

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

Funny, Life, Errors

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Funny, Hilarious, Long

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Love, Funny, Sex

"A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy", 1982.

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.

Funny, Humor, Eye

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

Funny, Brother, Love Life

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Funny, Life, Thankful

"Positive Words, Powerful Results". Book by Hal Urban (p. 105), 2004.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

Funny, Success, Class

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Funny, Witty, Sex

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

Funny, Children, Humor

Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

Funny, God, Humorous

Woody Allen (2007). “Mere Anarchy”, Random House Incorporated

What I do know about physics is that to a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Funny, Time, Men

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Inspirational, Funny, Education

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

Funny, Humor, Men

Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.

Funny, Moving, Piano

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Love, Funny, Sexy

Love and Death (motion picture) (1975)

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Funny, Running, Humor

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Funny, Humor, Parenting

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

Funny, God, Religious

Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Funny, God, Witty

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Funny, Suicide, Humor

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