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Woody Allen Quotes about Funny - Page 4

All Woody Allen Quotes Age Anxiety Art Atheism Atheist Baseball Basketball Beer Boredom Character Childhood Children Choices College Comedy Concentration Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Desire Divorce Drama Driving Dying Education Enthusiasm Failing Falling In Love Feelings Fighting Film Food Fun Funny quotes Genius Getting Older Giving God Hate Heart Heaven Hell Hilarious Home House Human Nature Humanity Hurt Imagination Immortality Inspiration Inspirational Inspiring Kissing Laughter Liberty Life Logic Love Love And Death Love Life Luck Lying Mankind Marriage Maturity Meaning Of Life Money Morning Pain Past Philosophy Politics Quality Reading Reality Regret Reincarnation Religion Running Sarcasm School Science Sleep Smoking Stupidity Style Success Suffering Sunday Talent Time Today Tragedy Universe Waiting Wall War Water Wife Winning Writing

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Inspirational, Funny, God

Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.

Funny, Humorous, Names

Woody Allen (2007). “Mere Anarchy”, Random House Incorporated

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Funny, Hilarious, Sexy

Quoted in N.Y. Times, 1 Dec. 1975

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Funny, Life, Death

Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Funny, Humor, Intelligent

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Funny, Softball, Baseball

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Funny, Life, Art

2000 In The Guardian, 31Dec.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Funny, Humor, Science

Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Funny, New Year, Witty

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Funny, Humor, Parent

"Standup Comic". CD compilation of Woody Allen's comedy routines from 1964-1968, 1999.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Funny, Humor, Science

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Funny, War, Book

"Sorry, But Speed Reading Won't Help You Read More" by Mark Seidenberg, www.wired.com. January 24, 2017.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Funny, Food, Humor

Without Feathers "Selections from the Allen Notebooks" (1975)

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Funny, Drama, Humor

"The Guardian profile: Woody Allen" by Xan Brooks, www.theguardian.com. August 22, 2004.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

Funny, Single, Divorce

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

Funny, Humorous, Feelings

Woody Allen (2007). “Mere Anarchy”, Random House Incorporated

... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!

Funny, Crazy, Humor

"Don't Drink the Water", 1994.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Funny, Dream, Humorous

"God". Play by Woody Allen, 1975.

What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?

Funny, Basketball, Balls

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Funny, Humor, World

Woody Allen (2007). “The Insanity Defense: The Complete Prose”, Random House Incorporated

To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

Funny, Real, Humor

"Woody Allen on Faith, Fortune Tellers and New York". Interview with Dave Itzkoff, www.nytimes.com. September 14, 2010.

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

Funny, Humor, Air

"Deconstructing Harry". Comedy, 1997.

She had been critical of his new torch song, "A Side Order of Heartache, Please," suggesting it could be used as a good way to break in their new paper shredder.

Funny, Song, Humor

Woody Allen (2008). “Mere Anarchy”, p.122, Random House

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Funny, Sarcastic, Humor

At night-club in Chicago, Mar. 1964, recorded on Woody Allen Volume Two (Colpix CP 488) side 1, band 6

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