Funny Quotes - Page 125

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours.

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them?

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I find it very easy playing Bond. I think he's hilarious. He gets himself into some extraordinarily funny situations.

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.

When you see a good person, think of becoming like her/him. When you see someone not so good, reflect on your own weak points.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.

Where are the dogs going? you people who pay so little attention ask. They are going about their business. And they are very punctilious, without wallets, notes, and without briefcases.

Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise.

You have to master not only the art of listening to your head, you must also master listening to your heart and listening to your gut.

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

The Devil made me do it the first time - the second time I done it on my own

Age is of no importance unless you are a cheese.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.