Funny Quotes - Page 122

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

The budget was unlimited, but I exceeded it.

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School.

Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me.

I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up... not using. ... I wrote one line. I thought it would've been perfect. I don't know if anyone saw the movie. It's the scene where the ape general comes in. And they're trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: "Man these bananas are good!" But they didn't use it. I did all of that research.

I despise the Lottery. There's less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by a passing asteroid.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.

Most people are slow to champion love because they fear the transformation it brings into their lives. And make no mistake about it: love does take over and transform the schemes and operations of our egos in a very mighty way.

To a smart girl men are no problem - they're the answer.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: "I really didn't say everything I said."

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

If people don't like me for whatever I do, for being me, then that's too bad. I don't want to change to be something that I'm not for other people to like me.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."