Funny Quotes - Page 128

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."

I think "immoral" is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word "unethical."

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.

Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.

Life is a near-death experience.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

A German singer! I should as soon expect to get pleasure from the neighing of my horse.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Somewhere deep down there's a decent man in me, he just can't be found.

For an actress to be a success, she must have the face of Venus, the brains of a Minerva, the grace of Terpsichore, the memory of a Macaulay, the figure of Juno, and the hide of a rhinoceros.

A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.