Funny Quotes - Page 127

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.

Respect your haters. They're the only ones who think you're better than them.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.

And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

The work itself is the reward, and if I choose challenging work, it'll pay me back with interest. At least I'll be interested, even if nobody else is.

Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, 'Make me feel important.' Never forget this message when working with people.

We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

The more I see of man, the more I like dogs.

The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in two imaginary parties, the Republicans and the Democrats, instead.

Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

What has been happening more lately - of course, I also put in my bio, I say I do the voice of Goliath, but some people go - you know, I say something, and it's a funny thing when you work in this business, people will talk out loud in front of you like you're not there.

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

People who cannot find time for recreation are obliged sooner or later to find time for illness.

Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.