Funny Quotes - Page 124

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live.

I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something - and then get it again and again and again.

I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself.

Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are

It's funny when people say, 'I don't think Julia likes me.' Honey, if I don't like you, you're going to know about it.

Any fool can carry on, but a wise man knows how to shorten sail in time.

Here's a guy who when he runs, he moves faster.

I am all in favour of spontaneity, providing it is carefully planned and ruthlessly controlled.

Maturity does not always come with age; sometimes age comes alone.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

Truth, after all, wears a different face to everybody, and it would be too tedious to wait till all were agreed.

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

There is always a well-known solution to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.