Funny Quotes - Page 126

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.

I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.

It's 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is?

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

Ninety percent of this game is half mental.

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late.

You should bring something into the world that wasn't in the world before. It doesn't matter what that is. It doesn't matter if it's a table or a film or gardening-everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say 'I did that.'

Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

If we must lose wife or husband when we live to our highest right, we lose an unhappy marriage as well, and we gain ourselves. But if a marriage is born between two already self-discovered, what a lovely adventure begins, hurricanes and all.