Funny Quotes - Page 162

You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"

When all else fails, look cute.

Sometimes big trees grow out of acorns - I think I heard that from a squirrel.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Originality exists in every individual because each of us differs from the others. We are all primary numbers divisible only by ourselves.

I shall write a book some day about the appropriateness of names. Geoffrey Chaucer has a ribald ring, as is proper and correct, and Alexander Pope was inevitably Alexander Pope. Colley Cibber was a silly little man without much elegance and Shelley was very Percy and very Bysshe.

Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies?

Thank you for your coffee, seignior. I shall miss that when we leave Casablanca.

Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".

Those who believe they can do something and those who believe they can't are both right.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Find a job you like and you add five days to every week.

I don't hold on to fear as much as I used to, because I've learned a lot about genuinely not caring what strangers think about me. It's very liberating. It's very empowering, and I've learned a lot of that from Jay-Shawn Carter-Z, because his approach to life is very internal. It's a very good lesson to learn.

Even actresses that you really admire, like Reese Witherspoon, you think, 'Another romantic comedy?' You see her in something like 'Walk the Line' and think, 'God, you're so great!' And then you think, 'Why is she doing these stupid romantic comedies?' But of course, it's for money and status.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Money is always there but the pockets change.

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.