Funny Quotes - Page 164

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

During job interviews, when they ask: 'What is your worst quality?', I always say: 'Flatulence'. That way I get my own office.

I had someone at the Houston police station shoot me with heroin so I could do a story about it. The experience was a special kind of hell. I came out understanding full well how one could be addicted to 'smack,' and quickly.

If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime.

Make [food] simple and let things taste of what they are.

It cannot be when the root is neglected that what springs from it will be well ordered.

It is not possible for one to teach others who cannot teach his own family.

The scholar does not consider gold and jade to be precious treasures, but loyalty and good faith.

So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.

There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

I'm a big health-food freak and a vegetarian devotee.

Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

Every minute you spend in planning saves 10 minutes in execution; this gives you a 1,000 percent Return on Energy!

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

Show me a genuine case of platonic friendship, and I shall show you two old or homely faces.

I love Christmas, not just because of the presents but because of all the decorations and lights and the warmth of the season.