Funny Quotes - Page 161

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"

If your idea of a role model is somebody who's gonna preach to your kids that sex before marriage is wrong and cursing is wrong and women should be this and be that, then I'm not a role model. But if you want your girls to feel strong and intelligent and be outspoken and fight for what they think is right, then I want to be that type of role model, yeah.

I like someone who has a super gentle spirit and energy. I’m really gentle, and so I like a boy who will treat me that way.

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.

Every word she writes is a lie, including "and" and "the."

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Avoid using cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs as alternatives to being an interesting person.

I say no to drugs, but they don't listen.

Knowing what you can not do is more important than knowing what you can do. In fact, that's good taste.

I cannot afford to waste my time making money

I can't forgive my friends for dying; I don't find these vanishing acts of theirs at all amusing.

When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.'

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

I have had a holiday, and I'd like to take it up professionally.

Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive.

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.

If you catch me saying 'I am a serious actor,' I beg you to slap me.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

When you have great players, playing great, well that's great football!

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"