Funny Quotes - Page 165

My life has a superb cast, but I cannot figure out the plot.

Situated in some nebulous distance I do what I do so that the universal balance of which I am a part may remain a balance.

I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."

It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.

When the Okies left Oklahoma and moved to California, they raised the average intelligence level in both states.

Common sense ain't common.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

I drink therefore I am.

Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

"More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from the barrel?

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.

Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.