Funny Quotes - Page 159

Our favorite holding period is forever.

The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill.

On hitting a shaken opponent - His legs turned to spaghetti and I was all over him like the sauce.

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.

Modern houses are so small we've had to train our dog to wag its tail up and down and not sideways.

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

Alas, irreverence has been subsumed by mere grossness, at least in the so-called mass media. What we have now - to quote myself at my most pretentious - is a nimiety of scurrility with a concomitant exiguity of taste.

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

What a nice night for an evening.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

Now I've wrestled alotta countries!

Every time you turn on your new car, you're turning on 20 microprocessors. Every time you use an ATM, you're using a computer. Every time I use a settop box or game machine, I'm using a computer. The only computer you don't know how to work is your Microsoft computer, right?

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale.

In two words, impossible.

The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness.