Funny Quotes - Page 163

A book is a mirror: if an ape looks into it an apostle is hardly likely to look out.

Love is only chatter, friends are all that matter.

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

I drink no more than a sponge.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them...

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

The buffalo is a surprisingly stupid animal.

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

...it's just another one of those things I don't understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone else into the same ridiculous mould. It's an artist's right to rebel against the world's stupidity

Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.