Funny Quotes - Page 184

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

One of the most important phases of maturing is that of growth from self-centering to an understanding relationship to others. A person is not mature until he has both an ability and a willingness to see himself as one among others and to do unto those others as he would have them do to him.

I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving - that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?

Wakin' up to find another day. The moon got lost again last night, but now the sun has finally had its say.

The only job worse is a javelin catcher at a track - and - field meet.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Blood's not thicker than money.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than England manager Sven Goran Eriksson.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.

Oh, to be seventy again!

Well, you know, the definition of second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

My father, who was from a wealthy family and highly educated, a lawyer, Yale and Columbia, walked out with the benefit of a healthy push from my mother, a seventh grade graduate, who took a typing course and got a secretarial job as fast as she could.

The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today.

I'm a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

Do not try to live forever. You will not succeed.

When one has not had a good father, one must create one.