Funny Quotes - Page 185

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

Nobody fights with Jerry because you know the price would be too high. You might come out the winner, at his age, you might even lick him, but you'd lose an eye, an arm, your testicles in the process, everything would be gone.

Noble fathers have noble children.

I told him he'd have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.

The first time I passed through the country (Switzerland) I had the impression it was swept down with a broom from one end to the other every morning by housewives who dumped all the dirt in Italy.

Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like “shut up, shut up, shut upblah blah blah blah blaaaaah.

If you can't answer a man's arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

Somebody figured it out- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I always say, 'Man, the Creator is preparing me for something. He's keeping the sun on me for some reason. He's keeping me aligned with that generation.' Because I genuinely love people, I love hip-hop, and I love using it as a tool to communicate and to create a better vibration. Life is short. I guess I'm lined up for a reason.

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's such a nice change from being young.

With the possible exception of God during the writing of the Bible, every writer in history has needed an editor. So do you.

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.