Funny Quotes - Page 186

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

It's looks like someone slapped you in the face with a fruit roll-up or something!

I feel that this is my first year, that next year is an election year, that the third year is the mid point, and that the fourth year is the last chance I'll have to make a record since the last two years; I'll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will be posturing for the election. But right now I don't have to do that.

Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents.

The only thing more frustrating than slanderers is those foolish enough to listen to them.

Sir! Sir! I'm afraid your music is just too loud!

When nearly a third of our high school students do not graduate on time with their peers, we have work to do. We must design our middle and high schools so that no student gets lost in the crowd and disconnected from his or her own potential.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I'll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities.

Nearly all our originality comes from the stamp that time impresses upon our sensibility.

They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?

I can tell you how bad our boards are... I don't have to watch Saturday Night Live anymore; I just go to the board meetings.

Every experience in your life is being orchestrated to teach you something you need to know to move forward.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.