Funny Quotes - Page 187

Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it."

In this business, by the time you realize you're in trouble, it's too late to save yourself. Unless you're running scared all the time, you're gone.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

There is no need to worry about mere size. We do not necessarily respect a fat man more than a thin man. Sir Isaac Newton was very much smaller than a hippopotamus, but we do not on that account value him less.

There cannot be good living where there is not good drinking.

Wars and elections are both too big and too small to matter in the long run. The daily work - that goes on, it adds up.

You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.

Money is the barometer of a society's virtue.

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.

You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.

High-tech tomatoes. Mysterious milk. Supersquash. Are we supposed to eat this stuff? Or is it going to eat us?

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

Try putting your iPhones down every once in a while and look at people's faces.

Your true traveller finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty - his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.

My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I am an only child. I have one sister.

Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.

Do you recognise me?" he asked. Willie looked hard and considered before finally replying "Lie down so I can recognise you.

Onward we stagger, and if the tanks come, may God help the tanks.