Funny Quotes - Page 190

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more European.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

A wedding is like a funeral, but with musicians.

At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying whole wide world.

In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic.

The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance, they invented algebra. And this is why we have to go to war with Saddam Hussein this minute and bomb the shish kebab out of him before he invents trig and chemistry and the whole of America flunks high school.

A community is infinitely more brutalised by the habitual employment of punishment than it is by the occasional occurence of crime.

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.

I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.

When I go abroad I always sail from Boston because it is such a pleasant place to get away from.

Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.

Remember this: The house doesn't beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.

Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people's things. And my cousin, who's a 'gangster', he's like, 'No, Tash, you don't understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.' I'm like, 'No one thinks you own Costco.'

You haven't lived until you've died in California

A Cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.

Edmonton is not the end of the world but you can certainly see it from there.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."