Funny Quotes - Page 189

No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned... a man in a jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company.

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

A book may be compared to your neighbor: if it be good, it cannot last too long; if bad, you cannot get rid of it too early.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, coast for a while, and then have a hell of a close.

I know at last what distinguishes man from animals; financial worries.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

My father taught me a good lesson: Don't get to low when things go wrong. And don't get too high when things are good.

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling

I've found out why people laugh. They laugh because it hurts- because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting... I had been told that a 'funny' thing is a thing of goodness. It isn't... The goodness is in the laughing. I grok it is a bravery- and a sharing- against pain and sorrow and defeat.

Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

Thank you for calling customer service. If you're calm and rational, press 1. If you're a whiner, press 2. If you're a hot head, press 3

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

When I was a kid my family was really poor and I remember one Halloween I wanted to dress up really scary and my parents came home with a duck costume. I wore that costume for years! I hated it.

British women can't cook.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!