Funny Quotes - Page 192

Before I married, I had three theories about raising children and no children. Now, I have three children and no theories.

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

I don't look to find an educated person in the ranks of university graduates, necessarily. Some of the most educated people I know have never been near a university.

I didn't train all that time just to come here and get it over with as fast as I can

My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life.

That is simply the most beautiful publishing office in the world, with that cranky old building in that wonderful park.

On quiet nights, when I'm alone, I like to run our wedding video backwards, just to watch myself walk out of the church a free man.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out.

There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

Most people named Willie are either in prison or on the armwrestling circuit.

The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.

Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country.

As you were, I was. As I am, you will be.

There is an ancient Celtic axiom that says 'Good people drink good beer.' Which is true, then as now. Just look around you in any public barroom and you will quickly see: Bad people drink bad beer. Think about it.

The manipulation of statistical formulas is no substitute for knowing what one is doing.

A good scare is worth more than good advice.

It has long been recognized by public men of all kinds. . . that statistics come under the head of lying, and that no lie is so false or inconclusive as that which is based on statistics.