Hilarious Quotes - Page 5

On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.

They misunderestimated me.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

It was like hiking into a Hemingway story; everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.

I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are. That's where us gay people come from - you heterosexuals.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you.

Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?

If I was president of the good old U.S.A., I'd turn the churches into strip clubs and watch the whole world pray.

Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.