Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 10

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don't care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln