Erma Bombeck Quotes - Page 12

There would have been more 'I love you's' and more, 'I'm sorry's'.

A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.

I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.

I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.

When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others.

Laugh now, cry later.

Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

Let us hope manufacturers can come up with a diaper that is environmentally sound. To go back to cloth would send us back to the day when breathing and raising a baby at the same time were incompatible.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, "Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?

Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.

I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!" was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.