Erma Bombeck Quotes - Page 11

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale.

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted.

Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.

Many people are intimidated by doctors. ... People also feel stupid when they don't understand what a doctor's talking about the first time around, so they don't ask again. And let's be honest here, people. English is not a doctor's first language.

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.

When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.

Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.

God created man, but I could do better.

What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.

I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of "go out and fulfill your dreams" and "be everything you were meant to be." But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren.

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.

A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.

In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)