Erma Bombeck Quotes - Page 13

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

A small waist makes you tire easily.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.

One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!

She's as funny as a toothache

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'

I lost everything in the post-natal depression.

Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I'd be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can't have everything.

I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment.

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery.

I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.

It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.

No One Diets on Thanksgiving.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want tAdenauer to want the job.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste.