Erma Bombeck Quotes - Page 10

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set.

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

A fitting room to me has always been like a confessional ... where my body and my contrition take up the entire room.

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

Some say the antique syndrome surfaced to offset the newness of the land, the homes, and the settlers. Some say the interest was initiated by a desire to return to the roots of yesterday. I contend the entire movement to acquire antiques was born out of sheer respect of things that lasted longer than fifteen minutes.

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born.

My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.

Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except his wife, mother, and dog. If someone wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he would refuse until he had been formally introduced.