Erma Bombeck Quotes - Page 4

Children make your life important.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.

No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.

It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.

. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute - look at it and really see it - live it - and never give it back.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

Adults are always telling young people, 'These are the best years of your life.' Are they? I don't know. Sometimes when adults say this to children I look into their faces. They look like someone on the top seat of the Ferris wheel who has had too much cotton candy and barbecue. They'd like to get off and be sick but everyone keeps telling them what a good time they're having.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.

I love my mother for all the times she said absolutely nothing.... Thinking back on it all, it must have been the most difficult part of mothering she ever had to do: knowing the outcome, yet feeling she had no right to keep me from charting my own path. I thank her for all her virtues, but mostly for never once having said, "I told you so.

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.

There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.

Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.

Never have more children than you have car windows.