Erma Bombeck Quotes - Page 7

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.

When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.

Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

Any mother with half a skull knows that when Daddy's little boy becomes Mommy's little boy, the kid is so wet he's treading water.

When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.

Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas.

... it's simply wrong to always order [kids] to stop that fighting. There are times when one child is simply defending his rights and damned well should be fighting.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.