Erma Bombeck Quotes - Page 3

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.

When humor go's, there go's civilization.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.

Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.

Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.

I remember thinking how often we look, but never see ... we listen, but never hear ... we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have...One pair that see through closed doors. Another in the back of her head...and, of course, the ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and reflect 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

I read one psychologist's theory that said, "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.