Jeff Foxworthy Quotes - Page 2

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire."

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.'

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

If you don't have anything good to say about someone, you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here, ain't it! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna go take a nap now, all right?"

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.