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Mark Twain Quotes about Funny - Page 4

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What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Mark Twain
Funny, Money, Differences
Notebook, Dec. 1902

I am only human, although I regret it.

Mark Twain
Funny, Regret, Humorous
Mark Twain (2012). “The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations”, p.5, Courier Corporation

Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink - under any circumstances.

Mark Twain
Funny, Kindness, Drinking
Mark Twain (2017). “The Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated Edition): Novels, Short Stories, Memoir, Travel Books, Letters, Biography, Articles & Speeches: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer & Huckleberry Finn, Life on the Mississippi, Yankee in King Arthur's Court…”, p.8122, e-artnow

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

Mark Twain
Funny, Time, Humorous
Provincial Letters: Letter XVI, December 4, 1656.

I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.

Mark Twain
Funny, Novelists, Krishna
Mark Twain (2016). “Mark Twain in Eruption (Abridged, Annotated)”, p.117, BIG BYTE BOOKS

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

Mark Twain
Funny, Humor, Cat
Mark Twain (2016). “A Tramp Abroad”, p.24, Xist Publishing

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

Mark Twain
Funny, Humorous, Sleep

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

Mark Twain
Funny, Humorous, Heaven
Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.382, Courier Corporation

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Mark Twain
Funny, Life, Friendship
Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.28, St. Martin's Press

If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be.

Mark Twain
Funny, Lonely, Humor

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

Mark Twain
Funny, Marriage, New Year
Mark Twain (1979). “Early Tales & Sketches, Vol. 1: 1851-1864”, p.180, Univ of California Press

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Learning
Life on the Mississippi ch. 6 (1883)

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten

Mark Twain
Funny, Humor, Giving
Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.19, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.

Mark Twain
Funny, Death, Real
Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.8, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use.

Mark Twain
Funny, Cat, Fighting
Mark Twain (2015). “A Tramp Abroad: Mark Twain's Collections”, p.9, 谷月社

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

Mark Twain
Funny, Humor, Science
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn ch. 26 (1884)

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic
Pudd'nhead Wilson ch. 15, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" (1894)

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Leadership
Attributed in Reader's Digest, Apr. 1934. A similar remark, attributed to an anonymous octogenarian, appears in the Washington Post, 11 Sept. 1910. See Jefferson 42

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

Mark Twain
Funny, Humorous, Smoking

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, Cute

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Mark Twain
Inspirational, Funny, New Year
Mark Twain, Paul Fatout (1997). “Mark Twain Speaks for Himself”, p.10, Purdue University Press

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.

Mark Twain
Funny, Compassion, Government
Mark Twain (1960). “Mark Twain and the Government”

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

Mark Twain
Funny, Smoking, Literature
"The Jumping Frog: And 18 Other Stories".

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

Mark Twain
Funny, Sarcastic, Inspiration
Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.257, Courier Corporation

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Mark Twain
Funny, Work, Evil
Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.45, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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