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Mark Twain Quotes about Funny - Page 5

All Mark Twain Quotes 4th Of July Accomplishment Achievement Addiction Adventure Adversity Age Aging Alcohol Ambition Anxiety Appearance Appreciation Arguing Army Arrogance Art Atheism Atheist Attitude Authority Balance Beauty Beer Being Alone Belief Bible Bitterness Blame Bliss Bravery Business Censorship Challenges Change Character Charity Chastity Children Christianity Church Coffee College Comedy Communication Community Compassion Confidence Conflict Conscience Conservatism Constitution Cooking Country Courage Crime Criticism Dance Dancing Darkness Death Deception Defeat Democracy Design Desire Determination Devil Disappointment Diversity Divorce Doubt Drinking Duty Dying Earth Education Effort Encouragement Energy Enthusiasm Envy Epic Ethics Evidence Evil Exercise Experience Failing Failure Family Fashion Fear Feelings Fighting Finding Yourself Fitness Flattery Focus Food Forgiveness Free Speech Freedom Friends Friendship Fun Funeral Funny quotes Future Genius Getting Older Giving Giving Up God Gold Good Times Gossip Grace Graduation Gratitude Greatness Greed Grief Grieving Growing Up Growth Happiness Happy Hard Times Hard Work Hate Healing Health Heart Heaven Hell Hilarious Hills Hinduism History Holiday Home Honesty Honor House Human Nature Humanity Humility Hunger Hunting Hurt Hypocrisy Ignorance Imagination Independence Individuality Innovation Insanity Inspiration Inspirational Inspiring Integrity Intelligence Journey Joy Judgement Judging Judgment Justice Kindness Knowledge Labor Language Laughter Law Of Attraction Leadership Learning Liars Liberty Life Life And Death Literature Loneliness Losing Loss Love Loyalty Luck Lying Madness Manners Marriage Math Memorial Day Memories Military Moderation Modesty Mom Monarchy Money Moon Morality Morning Motivation Motivational Mountain Music Nature New Year Office Opportunity Optimism Pain Parenting Passion Past Patriotism Peace Perception Perfection Perseverance Personality Philosophy Planning Pleasure Politics Positive Positive Thinking Positivity Poverty Power Praise Prayer Preaching Prejudice Pride Privacy Profanity Progress Prophecy Prosperity Purpose Quality Rain Reading Reading Books Reality Recovery Regret Religion Reputation Respect Responsibility Revolution Risk Running Sad Sadness Sailing Salvation Sanity Sarcasm Satan School Science Self Esteem Seven Shame Silence Simplicity Sin Skins Sleep Smoking Society Solitude Son Sorrow Soul Sports Spring Strength Struggle Study Stupidity Style Success Suffering Summer Sunday Sunshine Swimming Talent Taxes Teaching Temperance Temptation Time Today Trade Tradition Tragedy Training Travel Trust Truth Twins Undertaker Vacation Values Violence Virtue Vision Vocation Voting Waiting War Water Wealth Whiskey Wife Wine Winning Winter Wisdom Wit Work Worry Worship Writing Youth

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

Funny, America, Missing

Pudd'nhead Wilson conclusion, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" (1894)

The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way.

Funny, Nice, Ideas

Taxes and Morals, delivered 22 January 1906, New York

To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.

Funny, Humorous, Law

Following the Equator ch. 37, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar" (1897)

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read-

Funny, Humorous, Men

Address on the 4th of July, delivered 4 July 1899, London, England

A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law.

Funny, Humor, Law

Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.230, Courier Corporation

A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

Funny, Home, Humor

Pudd'nhead Wilson ch. 1 (1894)

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

Funny, Anniversary, Hilarious

Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.41, St. Martin's Press

The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average Frenchman who, as a rule, was in considerable doubt as to who his father was.

Funny, Father, Humor

I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them, and enter the next world as paupers. I have saved up enough to make an astonishment there.

Funny, Truth, World

Mark Twain (2010). “Mark Twain's Own Autobiography: The Chapters from the North American Review”, p.42, Univ of Wisconsin Press

There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.60, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Funny, Humorous, Fools Day

Pudd'nhead Wilson ch. 21, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" (1894)

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Funny, Life, God

Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.69, Courier Corporation

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

Inspirational, Funny, Wisdom

The Innocents Abroad (1869) ch. 7

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Funny, Truth, Inspirational Life

Attributed in "A Short Course in Intellectual Self Defense" by Mark Twain, Seven Stories Press, (p. 61), January 4, 2011.

The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

Funny, Humorous, Cat

Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain’s Letters & Speeches (Annotated Edition)”, p.706, Jazzybee Verlag

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

Funny, Death, Exaggeration Is

Quoted in N.Y. Journal, 2 June 1897. These words were preceded by "James Ross Clemens, of St. Louis, a cousin of mine, was seriously ill two or three weeks ago in London, but is well now. The report of my illness grew out of his illness." The quotation is usually reported as "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." Much earlier (5 July 1863), the following appeared in a letter by Twain to the Territorial Enterprise: "There was a report about town, last night, that Charles Strong, Esq

whenever the literary german dives into a sentence, this is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

Funny, Humor, German Language

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court ch. 22 (1889)

One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a really beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with her; and the rule applies to Niagara Falls, to majestic mountains, and to mosques-especially to mosques.

Funny, Beauty, Beautiful

Mark Twain (1871). “The Innocents Abroad; Or, The New Pilgrim's Progress ...”, p.337

If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.

Funny, Humor, Fool

Mark Twain (1995). “Mark Twain: Selected Writings of an American Skeptic”

The funniest things are the forbidden.

Funny, Humorous, Novelists

Mark Twain (1976). “Mark Twain's Notebooks & Journals, Volume II: (1877-1883)”, p.304, Univ of California Press

Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.

Funny, Home, Gambling

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

Funny, Humorous, Thinking

Mark Twain, Charles Dudley Warner (1874). “The Gilded Age: A Tale of To-day”, p.107

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Funny, Witty, Humorous

"The Jumping Frog: And 18 Other Stories".

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.

Funny, Humorous, Food

Mark Twain (2012). “The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations”, p.44, Courier Corporation

I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.

Funny, Sarcastic, Suicide

Mark Twain (1924). “Mark Twain's Own Autobiography: The Chapters from the North American Review”, p.175, Univ of Wisconsin Press

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