Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.
I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
