If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
The speed of time is one second per second.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Half the people you know are below average.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
