I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
