W. C. Fields Quotes - Page 2

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.