W. C. Fields Quotes - Page 3

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.