Funny Quotes - Page 158

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by 'survival of the fittest.'

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.

Better mad with the rest of the world than wise alone.

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

What fills us is real, sweet, dopey, funny life.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls.

I know quickly whether a guy is boyfriend material. If I can have a good time doing absolutely nothing with him, then that's boyfriend material for me. Like if we're able to have fun at a gas station. I've had some really good times at gas stations.

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

True, a little learning is a dangerous thing, but it still beats total ignorance.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.

There is no finer investment for any community than putting milk into babies.

The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.