Funny Quotes - Page 157

The difference between utility and utility plus beauty is the difference between telephone wires and the spider web.

Fate laughs at probabilities.

I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me. I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be; I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day, as you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

Unless each day can be looked back upon by an individual as one in which he has had some fun, some joy, some real satisfaction, that day is a loss.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Today you are you! That is truer than true!

I’m glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?

My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

A human being: an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Yeah, I had it all mapped out actually. Seriously. I wrote it down. I said, 'When I'm the head coach of the Eagles, I'm going to make sure I get that guy on my team.' And then guy next to me was like, 'You're only the offensive coordinator at New Hampshire.' I said, 'Don't worry about it. Minor details. But it's going to work.'

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?