Funny Quotes - Page 156

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I dislike feeling at home when I am abroad.

If you want to stay fit, surround yourself with a couple of chicks who are fired up, so that the one day you're not, you can feed off their energy.

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.

Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.

I'm for whatever gets you through the night

Another day gone and no jokes.

It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed, is you.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.