Funny Quotes - Page 174

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

To be honest dinner conversations was the worst bit about being a child and listening to the boring people around me.

To many people holidays are not voyages of discovery, but a ritual of reassurance.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.

Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

Software sucks because users demand it to.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying - it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.

I wouldn't be the best offensive player if I didn't have a great setter. She serves me up nectar.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

What I like about masturbation is that you don't have to talk afterwards.

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.