Funny Quotes - Page 175

The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce.

What was the name of that dog on "Rin Tin Tin"?

So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?

The funniest thing is when somebody says "Look I've no idea who you are but my friend said you are on a show and I just wanted to introduce myself" you know that they are lying! Those people can just get out of my way.

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.

No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Of all the self-fulfilling prophecies in our culture, the assumption that aging means decline and poor health is probably the deadliest.

The funny thing is, I'm not really a big reader, not a big fan of books in the first place.

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.

I was just getting acquainted with the wood. I wanted to see if it was maple or pine.

Live honestly to a higher note. Life is too short. So, do the best you can and live your life to a higher note.

I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to always be with hilarious people.

I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids.

You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.

Beauty fades, dumb is forever.

My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.

You use your money to buy privacy because during most of your life you aren't allowed to be normal.

Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Boom, boom, foom, poom! He just ran right at 'em!

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'

If you are patient...and wait long enough...Nothing will happen