Funny Quotes - Page 176

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire."

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because Raid really doesn't taste that bad.

If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train.

You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was made from his funny bone.

If you're into what you're playing, that's the most important thing.

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her, and one for them together.

Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am - I am filled with humidity.

Will the highways on the Internet become more few?

Television is of great educational value. It teaches you while still young how to (a) kill, (b) rob, (c) embezzle, (d) shoot, (e) poison, and, generally speaking, (f) how to grow up into a Wild West outlaw or gangster by the time you leave school.

A dentist at work in his vocation always looks down in the mouth.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.

Baloney is flattery laid on so thick it cannot be true, and blarney is flattery so thin we love it.