Funny Quotes - Page 74

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

The essays in The Great Taos Bank Robbery were my project to win a Master of Arts degree in English when I quit being a newspaper editor and went back to college.

As a member of an escorted tour, you don't even have to know the Matterhorn isn't a tuba.

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I was really desperate. I don't know if you can remember back that far, but when I went to graduate school they didn't want females in graduate school. They were very open about it. They didn't mince their words. But then I got in and I got my degree.

Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition.

On this special Fathers Day, we'd like to wish all of you a very Happy Birthday.

I could be happy doing something like architecture. It would involve another couple of years of graduate school, but that's what I studied in college. That's what I always wanted to do.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

& I'm all up all up all up in the bank with the funny face

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb, and was true for a billion years; but in our day of electric wires and water-ballast we turn it around: Man waits not for time nor tide.

If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.

I think the pattern of my essays is, A funny thing happened to me on my way through Finnegans Wake.

Baseball is like church. Many attend few understand.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that.

"Married with Children" was racy, it was sexist, it was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny.